Journey

 

Date: July 18, 2019 at 10:19:23 PM MDT
To: Stacy Email <peterfam2@centurylink.net>
Subject: Journey

Hi Angel,
Do you still want me to send feelings and where I am at today?  To give me reflective questions?
If so here it is:
I really thought it was just Christmas but it turns out it is any holiday. I hate them!!!  The pressure, the energy required, the thoughtful gifts that I use to be so good at and now not at all!  The cooking, the planning. All I want is to have a close family so you would think I would love holidays. Maybe it’s the fact we have to have two of everything. One for ty and lace and one for Tav and Britt.
I just really hate it all. I have noticed that I get easily over whelmed now. Way more than I use to.  Over whelm = head aches and shut down.
With Christmas-Easter it’s all about balance. Trying to balance what can afford and making it nice and bombing it nearly every time.
With Mother’s Day it’s do I give my daughters In law a gift? My mom always did and still does. Nice to let them know I am thinking of them and they are loved. Thought I would be on top of it this year and knew what I wanted to get them. When priced it it was way more than I thought so I didn’t do it. Here I sit with no gifts not even for my mom, no ideas, no energy. Just want to go back to bed and then wake up on Monday or Tuesday. I use to be the planner the coordinator with everything in st. George but had others to motivate and coordinate with. Now all on me.  I quit coordinating when we moved hoping someone would reach out to me. In 7 years no one has. Maybe it’s high expectations never to be reached. Maybe it’s complete burn out. Maybe mental break down. I want to be happy but dread it all.
My mom now NEVER calls. I have reached out more and would have hoped for that in return. But she just waits for me. I resent the fact that because it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow I have to call. Feel like everyone has given up on me.

Hi Angel! Yesterday was amazing and so needed. That was the first time I could really see her (me). I feel like she slips away too quickly. I can still see/feel her but fading.  Will practicing forgiveness everyday keep her visible?
Also I love love this song and rediscovered it and listened to it a lot yesterday and plan to today after for while driving to different places I need to be. I wanted to share it with you.
I will also listen to the pod cast. Thank you!

Yes yes yes! It is the practice of forgiving that keeps her visible. And I love that question, because being able to answer that question for you put it in a new way that I have never articulated before. It’s going to help me explain it to people so much better! It’s so interesting how forgiveness is talk to us from a gospel of Christ perspective. And yet it’s so elusive. Most people struggle with forgiveness because were trying to forgive someone else all the time. I’ve never heard it talked about in this way or practiced, as an important principle to start by forgiving yourself
Every time you practice forgiving yourself, it will be like you’re shoveling a pile of do do off of your shoulders and getting rid of it. The burden that you carry because of all the shirts and the need to achieve and perform. You will be throwing it off your shoulders and simultaneously healing your heart. And, you will be leading the little girl inside of you know that she is still seen and loved. You are forming that relationship with her, a connection with her, and alliance, and you will eradicate Self betrayal in this process.

I was going to start this out with “Why” is it when things are looking up. Life always steps in to remind you who’s boss. I think it’s just the timing. I was feeling So good Listening to that song and got pulled over in my own drive way. When does that ever happen. I apparently didn’t signal at the corner ?  Really?
So for the real question, WHAT am I to learn from this . . .
-Go back to not listening to music and be present?
-That I can choose to be happy regardless and not dwell on the expense and insurance.
-That I can be more aware in my driving. I feel I am a very good signaler. Maybe I will learn differently.
-That although it is so frustrating it gives me the opportunity to practice asking What questions.

Hi Angel!  I’m sorry I haven’t text you by day but I would love to give you a run down on my week of focusing on one thing a day from my passions list. Considering the ticket in the driveway, being selected for jury duty and throwing my back out this week, I feel like I have done pretty darn good. I haven’t been able to dance or do anything physical but I did try really hard not to allow myself to fall into victim mode, I practiced forgiveness, and became aware that I don’t signal 100% of the time like I thought. I watched my favorite show with Talen, allowed myself and Ben to go to a restaurant that I have wanted to try for a long time and listened to that podcast you sent me at least a dozen times. I feel it is dead on! I basically do all of those leading me to believe def have an ego problem.
I haven’t listed to much music- as it has become a trigger since that’s what I was doing when I got the ticket but feel it is a very short term trigger. I got a few things done for graduation which usually I would procrastinate and save for the very last minute. Being a perfectionist I find that I procrastinate so that if it doesn’t turn out perfect I can just blame lack of time. Anyway feel doing pretty good!  Thank you Angel!

If you don’t mind next week would be great!  My pattern seems to be every other week to practice what I am learning. Time is moving much too fast. This week I have had several opportunities to practice self love through forgiveness and focusing on staying out of the drama triangle -mainly victim mode. My back is still healing so physical activity has still been minimal.
Kass is begging us to take her and her friend Tyler to St. George for a last minute trip this weekend. Not sure if I’m ready for that or not family wise and judgment wise. So we will see.
Working really hard to stay out of head and in my heart. Seems slipping into heart a little more frequently than before. Thank you Angel for always being there. These reports help so much. ❤️

Perfect timing to test your knowledge and abilities. Just keep repeating the things, the thoughts, the practices, and the steps that we have discussed and that you have implemented and you will discover that they work in any and all situations.

Recognize that the anxiety skyrocket in is because your mind is bouncing between the past and the future. You are remembering pain and stress from the past, and you’re anticipating that it will happen again in the future. Pause now take a deep an intentional breath, and ask yourself this question, “what is really true and possible in this moment? “

What is possible?  I have the hope of turning things around.

That question must be applied over and over and over again until your mental programs have been rewritten. The answer to that question brings you into an awareness space with these truths:
I am a creator
NOW is new
I do not have to operate in my old programming.
I am here right now, and I am love. What would love think like? What would love feel? And how would love to behave?

You will experience judgment of other people. Celebrate that recognition., “Wow! Look at that! I just judged someone!”
“It’s so funny how that happens and I don’t even have to try! And now that I’m here, standing in awareness with my judgment, I get to choose. What is really true and possible in this moment? Oh yeah, I remember, I am a being of love. (Deep breath to really take that statement inside). I am judging that person in projection, because I’m actually judging myself right now in this moment. I’m afraid of something. I want to hide from it. And so I judge and blame to distract myself. (Deep breath). OK Stacie, let me see it. How am I judging myself right now?…… What am I afraid of right now? “

As you ask yourself these questions, And True answers will come.
And you can love yourself for your wisdom.
For your awareness.
For your consciousness.
It’s so exciting!
You will be able to see what you’re afraid of.
You will be able to see how you’re judging yourself.
And why that fear and self judgment hurt so badly that you just want to throw it on somebody else, almost like a game of Emotional Tag, you want to hit someone else with it and say, “you’re it! “
So that you can run the other direction.
But in this space, you realize there’s nothing to fear and the pain is a self inflicted injury. You can opt out and replace that painful space with healing love, with light, truth, love, joy, and peace… Oh the celebration!
Has the answers to your questions arise, and you can see what you’re afraid of, and you can see how your judging yourself, that’s when you put your hand on your heart and take a deep breath and forgive yourself…, “Stacie I see you. I understand why you feel this way. I forgive you for feeling this fear and pain in for wanting to throw it on somebody else. I love you. Thank you for teaching me these things. Thank you for opening the gate way so that I can use my agency To choose love over fear, to choose to expand rather than contract, to choose freedom over captivity. Thank you for showing up in these emotions. I’m so grateful for all my emotions.”

I am afraid of being judged. I’m afraid because kassi is taking tyler down and they are driving separate that we will be judged. I’m afraid of something or someone setting me off.
I’m afraid tyler will be bored I feel like I have to have it all planned out and so last minute nothing is.

OK good start. Good recognition of fear. Now take it inside a little bit further and ask yourself, “how am I judging myself? “
Look back at that text you just sent me and take it sentence by sentence and tell me how you’re judging yourself.

I’m afraid of being judged = I’m judging myself that ..... (Tell me if any of these statements resonate or give me statements that feel more accurate to you) this is a bad decision to go to St. George.
I’m judging myself that I’m not ready to be around my family without regressing and going into victim. I’m judging myself that I’m not a good parent because I’m letting  Kassi and Tyler drive down together.
I am Afraid and judging myself that kassi and Tyler are going to Do something inappropriate and that I didn’t stop them from driving down together, and that means I’m a bad mom.
I’m afraid that something or someone will set me off = I am really afraid that I don’t love myself enough yet, I still believe negative things about myself and therefore I am raw and vulnerable. I’m really afraid that I won’t remember to use the skills that I’ve learned.
This trip is so last-minute = I’m judging myself because I don’t like doing things last minute because I feel unprepared. When I feel unprepared, I’m actually feeling that I’m out of control. When I’m not in control of situations and people, I feel fragile, vulnerable, helpless, and worthless. I continually tie the outcomes of events and situations with peoples emotions and reactions, to my worth and value. This all ties into my need for achievement in order to be approved of. I am looking at the cycle of my life condense into today’s trip to Saint George.
I can override all of this by taking a deep breath, pulling back, and stepping out of the need to control things outside of myself,
and step inside my own body, mind, heart, and spirit, and remind myself that my job is to manage my own state.
Not control it.
But be present with it.
And to love it.
I am learning, and I believe  that one day that I will know and trust fully, that when I manage my own emotions, when I stay present and in a place of love for myself, I disarm the drama triangle.
I emit light, truth, love, joy and peace to those around me.
This has a positive affect on the people and situations around me.
I start to see that now I am a part of creating the peaceful, joyful, and memorable experiences that I have always wanted to have with my family and friends!
I now know, see, and feel what it’s like to be the epicenter of connection.
It all begins with me choosing to connect to myself from a place of love.
Once I do that, I’ve become the connector of everyone around me!
Together we create the types of relationships I’ve always dreamed of, but have never been able to control when I was only focused on others and everything outside myself.
While simultaneously ignoring my own self.

I’m afraid that I am not being a good mom by letting them go down. Although I do trust them.  He has been such a blessing since the connor situation.
I am also afraid of something happening like accident and feeling like I could have prevented it by not letting them go early.
This week I had an thought come into my mind a memory that I wondered if a lot of this worry and fear stems from. When Kass was little ben and I had gone out and she was hurt while we were gone. It could have been worse thank goodness it wasn’t - but because I didn’t feel that Mother’s intuition I stopped leaving them. We didn’t date much after-I don’t even think it was a conscience decision. I feel like That May have had something to do with my fear worry and need to control and protect.

That past memory seems to have lived in you since then, with the commitment to never let that happen again.
Fear is in the drivers seat
If you want healing
Go back to that memory and relive it with all your thoughts and emotions, then forgive yourself
Look at how everything happens the way it needs to, whether we worry or not, whether we intervene or not.
This is called , “Loving what is.”
It’s real faith
It’s real trust
A trust in God and
A trust In yourself
You recite this:
“No matter what happens, I will not betray nor abandon myself. I will love myself through even the most difficult circumstances. “
Fears and banished from your being, and you are prepared to accept all things as they come, without pain, stress, regret, nor worry.

I think I uncovered another fear - my mom cornering my kids when I am not there and questioning them about everything. It drives me crazy that she has to know everything. Already annoyed.
Breathing!  Turning  it around I don’t feel like I do this. I feel like I don’t cause I hate that my mom does it so I purposely don’t.

Stay in a space of inquiry
Questions to ask self:
what’s my mom’s cornering and questioning of my kids motivated by?
What do I think she’s doing?
(Probably getting evidence that will lead to a judgment  of my kids doing wrong or being wrong , which will lead to a judgement of me being a bad mom).
Does this fit? Or did you asking yourself generate a different answer?
the pain from your moms actions, trigger your wound of not being a good mom
But it’s not her words or actions that hurt the most, she’s just brushing  up against the wound that you keep open
Your fear and self judgment of possibly not being a good mom, based on your kids behaviors, is the origin of the pain
So the issue w your mom will never be healed until you are done fearing that you could do ANYTHING that would make you a bad mom.
And until you stop judging yourself for that same thing.

And just to add another insight
Although you think you don’t behave LIKE your mom.... what are the two big things her actions are doing?
1 getting into others’ businesses
And
2. Trying to control other people

Sound familiar???? 😘
That’s why she’s infuriating to you
Because you haven’t forgiven yourself and let go of these same traits
She is a teacher
A spirit guide for you
To be able to see in yourself these traits and make the efforts to heal.

It’s interesting all the feelings it’s stirring up. Learning a lot. I think that’s where I was praised much more so than siblings. Now that i have moved and have not found as much success in moms eyes as other siblings and kids are not making decisions as good as others I am no longer number one. Hard to know how to handle that. Feels like a constant disappointment. All she talks about is my niece that’s dating the BYU baseball player. Has basically ignored tyler. I feel so dumb and immature but thank you for being a safe place to get to the root of this.

I’m breathing with you!!!
I’m not ever asking you to stuff these feelings. Keep noticing keep talking it out or texting write it down in someway to keep letting it out but all the while remembered to remind yourself, “I love myself. “

Connor-  
We are so disappointed in the way you have treated kassi. When you came to me to talk about possibly dating her we trusted you with her and felt you would always have her back. You have done the complete opposite. You and your “friends” have made her senior year absolutely miserable. We never would have guessed you would have treated her in such a way. A real man would stand up when you know someone is being wronged. You have stood by and watched it happen. Please just stay away from her. You have caused enough damage. Maybe now would be a good time to look in the mirror and ask yourself is this truly the person you want to be. You can choose to show this to your “friends” and make matters worse or you can take it as a learning opportunity. That choice is yours. We had brought you into our family and loved you as our own and we have been completely blindsided by the way you have continued to treat and disrespect her.
???
Really feeling I want to send something. He apparently sent her a big long text saying how sorry he was last night. I don’t think he has any idea the pain he has caused.

I can appreciate all of your feelings in your text to Connor. And I recommend you don’t send him a text.
The tone of it is blaming and shaming
And for good reason
But my Question is, what good do you think it will do?
I think a conscious conversation with his parents and him would be best
I cannot imagine that Cassie would ever be willing to participate. And if she’s not there than the whole story can’t be there. It’s hard to know who is minimizing what and exaggerating what on either part of the teenagers. His parents probably have no idea how he has behaved. And there could be things that Cassie has done or said that would surprise you. But something this serious should not be discussed over text. That’s Not the most powerful way to be. It should be face-to-face.

Any message that you sent him or conversation you have with him, if you are not in a place of love when you do it, there will be a sense of self betrayal on your part. And you will do nothing to inspire him to change, or to feel remorse, it will only in flics shame which will breed more of the same behavior

Watch this
Then work on visualization of this weekend
Write w NEW PROGRAM
see yourself at peace with you
Breathing
Being
Enjoying the moment

Thank you for the reminder to come from a place of love. I didn’t end up sending anything but he sent Kassi a very mean text and she basically told him she had had enough. A few hours later he sent a huge apology text. He’s done this before so we are being cautious.
Thank you for the YouTube clip on visualization. I will watch and rewatch.

Conner is a manipulator and abusive period
His apologies mean nothing
Nothing except that he’s scared of being confronted
His behaviors are totally clear
He is not well

Angel!  I am so sorry to bother you. I do need some advice. My parents came up for Kassis graduation. We found out “my mom” has been texting connor. She even went out of her way to call and ask him to meet her and my dad She and gave him a hug, a card and $50 for graduation. Kassi has told her how mean he has been. I found out my mom had been texting him a few months ago and asked her to stop. Kassi is beyond hurt. She is moving to St. George to get away from this kid to go live with her and in my opinion she just totally betrayed kassi.
I am so angry but-I am paused.
I don’t want to handle this the wrong way. I think it needs to come from kassi but wanted to run it by you.

Nice job pausing
You take care of you - meaning go inward and have a conversation with yourself
Find the root of your anger
What’s the fear?
Notice the thoughts you’re having
Are they fear based or love based?
Reject the fearful thoughts
forgive yourself for having those thoughts
Remind yourself of what’s true and real.... only love
Rewrite the script in your mind
Stay out of kassi’s business and your moms and conners
This is an important moment

That’s not my business nor yours
Let it go
Let kassi handle her own business
If she comes to you
Show empathy for what emotions she displays
Notice and validate her emotions
And if she asks you what to do
Guide her to go inward and ask herself
Tell her to trust her gut

This week I am preparing to send my kids off to Hawaii for the summer on Wednesday. The next three days are packed. Would you like an appointment on Thursday or Friday? Or would you like to wait a full week and have an appointment on June 10?

Also, read the affirmation repeatedly in the book pictured above. Force that laughter when you recognize how “cute” you’re being....when you are trying to be right.
“Oh, I did it again! Look how cute I am! Little Stacy  is learning!” Laughter
Free yourself with light hearted letting go
Without the laughter, the noticing and awareness can get attached to guilt and shame for repeating old patterns or “doing it wrong”
The mind will tell you you’re “bad” and you’ll stuff the experience
LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I invite you to dig in these next two weeks and REALLY put these assignments to work
Make your growth your priority
You are at a point of true transformation
You are so ready
Dig deep and press forward
Break the chains of old habits and patterns
Every day
Every. Single. Day.
Review your notes and apply the assignments

May need some time with this. At the moment I am really questions my marriage. I Feel so betrayed and so angry. I have always done the bills but keep Ben up to date and he knows it’s a struggle. He knows we aren’t making bills every month. For some reason he got in his mind that he wanted a new car. I found out well after he had put it in motion. We talked and I explained the situation. There is no way we can afford to do that nor is it necessary. Just a few weeks before we had talked about finding ways (a third job). Just to make it and pay down debt. We agreed - then without my knowledge he went and signed legal docs on some car putting us $18,000 more in debt. I am soo angry I can’t even begin to understand this. We have no retirement, no savings l, a mortgage and he knows how much that scares me. Just done!

I hear you!
Interesting that I was feeling you so big today
Just focus on you and this for now
Disregard my earlier message
Practice the things we’ve discussed
Let him carry the consequences of his choice
Those payments need to be provided by him
Let the car be In his name only
And without him taking money out of what already comes in
He gets to now find a way to pay for the car
Let it be his
It’s not your business
You take care of you
Seek insight from your emotional response
Build you!

Angel thank you!  It was such a blessing that you were there in that moment thinking of me. I cannot Thank you enough. I have breathed, loved regardless (although he does know how I feel about it) and am more determined to let it be his. He has done this before in smaller things and it seems I eventually end up taking over.
My pattern has been panic over any purchase made. I am wanting to simplify life not make it harder. In his way I’m sure he thinks he was trying to do the same to save on car repairs (although those are much cheaper cause he can do all the work himself). But this one hurt going about it on his own, then talking to me, then doing it anyway.
Regardless I can tell I am getting somewhere . . . Maybe one step forward one step back because recovery time (feeling the anger but finding love) seems to be speeding up.
Also an experience with Kassi that would have thrown me into days of depression has been miner anxiety and handled through my heart and love. If I gone to head and black and white thinking I would have fallen apart. Heart felt right but we have received judgement for it. I can tell you more about that.
I did review this morning my entire book of notes and came up with limiting beliefs/fears/judgments from the beginning. I do deal some are getting better.
-fear as being seen as self righteous
-fear of loss of security (move,job loss) and no retirement
-fear as being seen as a bad mom
-fear of pride -need to seek external approval
-fear of loss of connection and relationships
-fear of not being worth their time
-fear of being unlovable
-fear not being a good enough mom
-fear of not being enough -not wise enough-not being needed- lose of identity
-fear of failure
-fear of children’s lack of schooling
Thank you for being there. I know you are just getting back so whatever works for you is great.

you are in the practice phase of inner dialogue
Your awareness is spot on
You’re recognizing your emotions and connected to your body, and connecting them to your thoughts
EXCELLENT!!!

Angel- struggling with knowing faith vs fear.
I know I am driven by fear and logic and have a hard time doing something that does not make perfect logical sense or has lots of questions around it. I do tend to play it safe. For instance, this car. How do I know it wasn’t an inspired decision on his part and my fear takes over rather than just hope it all works out. I feel like now if anything happens to bens current car or kassis car that I am going to feel like maybe he should have kept it.
I have a way with seeing both sides of every problem - If a decision is made to pay the money and reverse the sale I then see all the possible reasons we should have kept it. If the decision is leaning to keeping the car then I am stressed and see all the reAsons why we should not. I just use this example but it is in nearly every decision we make. Ben I’m sure is so confused and feeling damned if do and dammed if don’t.
(Although I have learned he is impulsive gets an idea and goes for it where I really need to weigh it out.)
I find it hard to decern what is the spirit when flipping back and forth in every decision. Another awareness.

This is Awareness of self
Right here
You’re right where you need to be
This thinking DOES put Ben in the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” space.
First
Stop thinking about the car
It’s none of YOUR DAMN BUSINESS
if you do think about it
Just repeat
“ITS NONE OF MY DAMN BUSINESS”
Then breathe
Let go
Just let it go
Your analyzing is fear based
You think there is a right answer and a wrong one
WHAT IF THERES NEITHER?
No right, no wrong.
You’re wondering “what’s left then? What else is there?”
There is this: it just is.
If Ben keeps the car.
There’s a car and a car payment
It’s not a good car
It’s not a bad car
It’s not a right car
It’s not a wrong car
It’s JUST a car.
There are no mistakes
Whether the car is returned or kept, it’s not going to be a mistake either way. It just is.
The car is part of an experience
The experience is allowed so that we can learn
There’s no right lesson learned
No wrong lessons learned
Just
Plain
Lessons
Learned
We can to earth to learn
Not to fail

What about when making decisions together. As I get back into heart more and more will the decerning become easier or is there truly no right and wrong with any decision?

I’m listening to this book right now and it answers A LOT of your questions and gives a new way of looking at what we’ve been talking about
Get the audio book

Worrying about making decisions together
Down the road
Is a fear based state
Worry = fear
Be present
When you get THERE
to the future
You’ll know how to be
Today
Do you
By yourself
Today
I can’t give you all the answers about tomorrow
I can only invite you to be here
Today
Here today
Present
Is the only place where calm exists
Where joy is
Where peace is

I’m laughing
Bc the book
Seriously
Just used the example of noticing how your mind reacts to buying a new car!

On the verge of melt down. Panic. Woke up panic attack. So angry. So frustrated. So tired of it all. Several things lead up to it. Kassis back.             -Missed her like crazy but having her back brings lots of worries and changes.       
-Lost my planner last night with child’s birth certificate and soc sec. in it. Thinking the worst.      *So angry about all lost relationships and forever feeling on hold. Tired of not knowing how to handle situations.
-Cars repairs going on and on. -Working So hard but for what?
-Ty and Lacey going through IUIs and finding out results today.
-Worries about Talen.
-2 birthdays coming up.
-Judgment -kassi posted about New York. She asked me if she should I felt fine in the moment but then when saw it - flipped. -So tired of thoughts flipping back and forth. Damed if do damed if don’t.
Don’t dare go up in mountains and throw rocks - don’t dare leave Trasen alone. Soc sec and birth certificate leading my mind in all sorts of scary things.
-Mad at God. Planner was a final draws it didn’t need to happen.
-Hate it when Ben goes into pity mode.
Anxiety attack just want out of my head.
Maybe all this leading up to bring anger out. So angry can’t stop crying. need to let it out. Suppose to spend day with Kass. Do I be honest with her? Should I take her with me? Go throw axes?
(Don’t know what I would do without having a safe place to go. Thank you!)